Part 2: The Winchesters go to Heaven and have a bitchin' time
by Pizzapig
Summary: Part 2 of my bitchin' series. Judas, the Winchesters, and our dorky angel Castiel meander through heaven in an effort to save Jesus whos been grounded in heaven by his father for being too rebellious. Will they succeed or fail like they have so many times before?
1. A shitty rescue mission

Part 2: The Winchesters go to Heaven and have a bitchin' time

_A/N If you haven't read part 1, go now! Read away! but if not, it is possible to read this as a standalone, though it will make more sense if you read the first part. _

"We must go after him." proclaimed Judas.

"Why are you still here?" complained Dean in his bitchiest voice.

"I agree." Said Castiel itching at his spiky hair.

"It is decided then." Said Judas grabbing a handful of Sams shirt.

"WAIT! NO! I didn't agree to this." Yelled Dean as the angels magicked them away.

Sam and Dean landed with a *POOF* in heaven. The soft clouds caressing their butts and softening their fall as they all tumbled into a pile at the gates.

"MOTHER-" yelled Judas. The ultimate father God had locked the gates of heaven.

"Why is it always me." Groaned Sam rubbing his bruised head, the marks from hitting the gate so hard were printed on his forehead.

"OI! WHATSA GOING DOWN THERE" yelled the gate creeper perched on his podium.

"LET US THE FUCK IN!" said Dean

"WHAT BUSINESSES HAVE YEE?"

"We're on a rescue mission?" supplied Cas, so far it was going horribly he didn't have much hope they would succeed. Those who went up against their father was usually failed alive. sent up against their brother, and sent to a horrible place full of fire and confinement that god created. Free expression was not encouraged.

The gate keeper gave them the stink eye.

SAM and Dean flipped out their fbi badges, "Its official business." they said officially.

"YOU SHOULD HAvE SAID SO IN THE FIRST PLACE!" said the gate creeper turning the massive ass wheel as the gates crooned and groaned and complained, before moving their lazy ass and opening.

"Thank yee sir." Said Judas tipping his hat.

"WAIT!" yelled the gate keeper grabbing Castiel from the mix "NO PUNK ROCKERS ALLOWED.' He thrust the list into their faces.

Castiel whimpered. "Dean." He said helplessly

Dean rolled his eyes flattening Cas's hair and throwing his black coat over the edge and replacing it with his own worn leather jacket whilst rubbing off the temporary tattoos.

"Ow!" Cas complained at Deans manhandling.

"There." Said Dean "happy?"

"Hmmm, it'll do." Said the creeper

"Thank-you Dean." Mumbled Cas snuggling into the Jacket.

"No problem." He said blushing bountiful rose red.

"EARTHQUAKE!" yelled Judas startling Sam as they dove to the ground.

A giant horse the size of mount Everest trotted past, its head held high, and its pink sparkly wings, looking beautifully well groomed.  
>"What the everlasting fuck!" said Dean as he looked up above the Pegasus spotting four very naked, and very drunk angels.<p>

"Yoo-hooo." Waved the one with golden wings and green sunglasses, the one behind cackling manically and almost falling off.

Castiel blushed in embarrassment. "fledglings." He mumbled as an official looking angel chased the Pegasus.

"BRING THAT HORSE BACK THIS MOMENT!" he yelled.

"C'mon, this way" motioned Cas leading them down a bright well lit tiny alleyway.

At the end was a red rope and a official looking angel with sparkly purple wings.

"Halt!" he said raising his hand in a stop signal. "Angels only."

"C'mon man," said Judas "let us in."

"Angels only." He resolutely said.

Castiel stepped forward "Its alright Phil, I am a angel and they are with me."

"Where's your wings than." He said suspiciously.

Castiel sighed putuponly and unfurled the gigantic beasts.

Dean sucked in a shirt intake of breathe, they were wonderful, magnificent, everything he had ever desired or dreamed, and they gave him a massive erection.

"Control yourself Dean." Whispered Sam.

Dean blushed for the second time that day turning a shade of blood orange.

"What about their wings?" meanly said the bouncer.

Judas had a stormy hurt expression on his face "WE. DO. NOT. HAVE. WINGS."

"Well bad luck buddy boy, but no entry, understand?"

"Listen here you dickbag-"

"Its alright, we understand, rules are rules." Said Castiel grabbing Judas by the arm and dragging him away.

"Castiel, what the heck angel boy?"

"I have an idea, retrieved from Dean Winchesters very mind."

"We talked about this Cas." Said Dean feeling violated.

"I apologise Dean," said Cas "but it was necessary."

"Lets hear it then." Said Sam with apprehension, a sick sinking feeling in his stomach reminding him of Deans dirty, sexual mind, that came up with the most tormenting things to scar Sam with.


	2. Angels are very stupid

Chapter 2

"Angel wings." Said Castiel.

"Angel wings?" said Sam "Wouldn't that be some type of unforgivable sin impersonating an angel in heaven?"

"No thanks." Said Judas crossing his arms.

"Brother, please."

"You are no brother of mine Castiel, I was denied becoming a angel long ago, and I will not lower myself to impersonating one."

Castiel silent pleaded with Dean for some help, pouting his lip like the baby he was.

"C'mon man, itll only be for a little while, think of the end game, to rescue Jesus." _That was something you didn't say everyday._

"No."

"Okay plan B then." Said Dean hitting Judas over the back of the head with his gun.

"Dean." Said Sam outraged.

The next hour and a half they spent cutting out cardboard, gluing sequins, glitter, and feathers to assemble "the most awesome angels wings known to man". **B**y the time they were finished it looked like a pre-schoolers art project.

"This will never work." Said Sam who looked like a rent boy covered in glue, equally Dean who looked like a cheap stripper covered in glitter.

"Have faith." said Castiel "Angels are very stupid."

Dean and Sam carried the unconscious Judas between themselves, self-conscious in their fake wings and feathery halos.

"We're to escort a prisoner." Announced Castiel with hard won authority.

The bouncer eyed them up and down before unhooking the red rope and letting them through.

"Easy as pie." Said Dean.

"Halt!" said the bouncer turning around, "You aren't angels."

"Run!" said Cas panicked.

"Dean you idiot." Said Judas waking up "Angels don't eat pie."

"Fuck." He said taking the lead.

They easily avoided the bouncer hiding behind a sheet of thick glass, that everything in this place seemed to be made out of. With the light shining through light pinks, yellows, and blues were everywhere, lighting up the place like a 80's disco party. It was an empty desolate place, no sign of life everywhere, but strange box like houses made of glass were lined up in neat rows.

Castiel started breathing heavily.

"Hey, you okay."

"This is the part of heaven where they keep prisoners, and reprogram the more rebellious angels."

_Oh _"Fuck Cas I'm sorry, we can leave."

"No, ill be okay, this is the only way to get to father."

Dean looked worriedly on as they traversed thought the echoing glass city, traumatised angels imprisoned on their right, their shame visible for everyone to see.

Everyone in the group felt a pull for one reason of others to save the damned creatures, but they had no possible way to free the prisoners, trapped within a glass cage with no door, or windows. Writhing in pain from no visible torment the eye could see. The silence was startling, and the air carried a heavy oppressive feel.

"Cas, have you been here before?"

"I don't want to talk about it Dean."

Seeing the haunted look in Cas eyes, he let it go, there were some things Cas would never share with him, as there were something's he would never share with Cas, like the embarrassing time he had died whilst eating a taco.

"Guys." Said Sam pausing "we may have a problem."

**A/N Remember to leave a review, or any prompts you would like me to include in future chapters.**


	3. A Horrific Discovery

Chapter 3

**_A/N I edited the first chapter to fix the grammar, which taught me quite a lesson in not uploading late at night._**

Castiel drew his angel blade and Sam and Dean drew their guns as a file of angels approached.

"Stay absolutely still, and do not say a word." Cas looked at Dean in particular.

A dead look in their eyes a file of Angels surpassed the three men and an angel, taking no notice as they followed their path. They got to the very last angel, dressed in a formal suit.

"Castiel? What are you doing here?"

"Beezow Doo-Doo, nice to see you again."

"Are you not assigned to earth?"

"I am, but father has sent for me."

"Is that true?" he said doubtfully.

"Yes, it is of the most confidential business, so I cannot talk about it naturally."

"Naturally. Congratulations Castiel, our efforts we spent on you has paid off after all."

Dean gritted his teeth and Cas gave him a warning glance from the corner of his eye.

"Now if I am on my way, I must first deliver this prisoner to a cell."

"As I must deliver the Null to the termination rooms. I wish you luck on your journey brother."

"Beezow Doo-Doo." Said Castiel unblinkingly staring at him, he knew if he even looked at the null, he would want to save them.

Everyone let out a sigh of relief as they passed by.

"What was that about?" said Sam.

"The angels they do not deem worthy of reprogramming, or have proven resistant too many times to our methods, are terminated."

"Terminated?"

"As in killed, en masse." Said Judas.

Dean horrified looked at Cas, seeing now in the bright unfiltered the old scars dotted along his wings.

"Others were not as lucky as I to receive such "special" treatment."

"Cas I'm so sorry." Dean said grabbing his hand, the words not feeling like enough as the echoing vastness swallowed them whole. Cas looked at him softly, like one in love only could.

"It is worth it to be standing by your side."

"That is so fucked up." Said Judas under his breath.

"Let's keep moving," Said Sam "before anyone else shows up."

Once again Cas led the way, and Dean and Sam followed, Judas prisoner between them.


	4. The literal house of shit

Chapter 4

"You have to what?' said Sam scandalised.

"I'm not doing that." refused Dean.

"Its simple," said Judas "you just put your, you know, in the hole."

"No."

"Why? Of all things –that-." Sam said disgusted.

"It's a type of DNA test, to assure that only angels can get in."

"That's messed up." Said Dean.

"We can't do it anyway." Said Sam motioning to the fake wings, Dean's glittery green to match his eyes, and his deep red because they were the most bootilicious.

"Of course." Said Cas stepping up.

"No sir, no way." Said Dean stopping him.

"I've done it before Dean, it is no problem."

"How many times before?"

"5"

"5 times? Are you kidding me? You could get diseases, look how filthy the gate is."

"It's perfectly sanitary."

"My ass."

"Dean, be reasonable."

"I am being reasonable, and over my ass, you're not doing it."

"I don't see the big deal." Said Judas to Sam "All it is-" He was cut off by Deans loud shout of disapproval.

"Oh for fathers sake." Said Judas "Will you whining brats shut it already, I've spent far too long of my days listening to you argue. Let me put it plain and simple so you brutes can understand. The only way forward is through the gates. The only one who can get the gates to open is Castiel. This is the only way whether you pathetic whining bastard like it or not."

Dean ground his teeth in frustration, than sprinkled the enamel flakes on his cereal Castiel had created for him at request. He chewed on the nasty flakes gruffly, like a man, then spat it in Judas's face.

"No."

"Dean." Said Sam, shooting an angel puppy, and wearing its face as his. Ultimate puppy eyes look!

"Alright." He said relenting, it was too hard to be stubborn in light of that horrific act "but I still think it disgusting."

Castiel stood back, "uh, could you not watch." He said blushing.

Dean rolled his eyes, and pushed Judas to turn his back. Sam immediately turning, because ewwwwwwwww, his brothers boyfriend, there were some things you couldn't scrub clean in this life, and this was one of them.

Cas searched deep and worked up a good moist glob of substance, aiming at the desired spot he let go, and a big wad of spit hit the desired spot, he wiped his mouth and the metallic silver gates opened.

Everyone turned around at the wet noise of spit hitting the deep dark spot of metal. What was revealed before them was a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, winding wonky crooked old path made entirely of stairs. At the top was a cracked old temple made from dried cow dung.

Cas shed a tear, "isn't it beautiful?"

"It's truly something." Said Sam. "And all it took was an angel spitting on its gates to see."

"It's a pile of cow shit! And my boyfriend spat on a gate. I mean my angel, my lover, oh shit, my fuckbuddy, my friend?"

"Dean!"

"but it's a beautiful pile of cow shit I'm sure."

"Thankyou Dean, that means a lot." Said Castiel wiping a tear from his eye "and bitch I'm your husband. Don't you forget it. As Beyoncé said, if you liked it, you should have put a ring on it, and marry that ass I did."

"I was the best man at the wedding." Piped in Sam.

"Who cares." Said Judas "Lets rescue **_MY _**boyfriend."

Going in pairs of two, Dean and Cas, and Judas and Sam climbed the stairs.


	5. NOT IN MY HOUSE YOU DON'T!

Chapter 5

_Meanwhile_

"How about that nice boy John?"

"He was an obsessive stalker father. He wrote down my every word in his diary, than married my mother when I died."

"I told you not to mention that sluts name in this my house!" raged the Ultimate father God, causing a small village on earth to be destroyed by a tidal wave "What about Phillip?"

"He is dating Nathaniel."

"Son all I want is for you to be happy."

"I am happy, with Judas."

"You may think that, but he is trouble, he leads you from the path of righteousness, to the path of sin."

"Father, you are wrong."

"No son, I am not, I am always right, the sooner you see that the better. The last person who did not listen to my advice was Lucifer, and you remember how he turned out. You don't want the same fate befalling you? Do you Jesus?"

"No father."

"Good, now what about a nice girl for you to marry."

Jesus sighed "Father how many times do I have to tell you **I'm** **gay**."

_12 days later of climbing_

Sam kicked down the door, his gigantor legs making it seem easy. The four of them walked through the door with a rehearsed swagger, eye of the tiger blasting from Deans cell phone.

"Jesus, my love, I am here to rescue you." Announced Judas, song birds chirping.

"Who Dares enter my chambers." Said God, the ultimate father.

"The Winchesters." Said Dean, Cas and Sam flipping god off and putting on sunglasses.

"and Judas" added Sam awkwardly, as the an shimmied around the three of them.

"Jesus, where are tho my love."

God stared them down ready to smite them on the spot, but thought better of it last minute, it was decades since he had truly fucked with someone.

"Jesus. You have guests." He called.

"Yes father." He walked out, prim n' proper, beard back to full length, styled neatly with his hair tied back, and sporting brilliant white robes. So white and pure they hurt Sams eyes to look at them for too long.

"What have they done to you my love?" screamed Judas looking dismayed and pulling on his beard in frustration as God smiled gleefully.

"He is no longer yours, scum." God spat.

"Now, that is no way to talk to your son in law." Said Dean getting angry, God quirked his eyebrow in challenge and Dean fired his gun. The bullet exited Deans gun at a high speed, and suddenly stopped before it hit God disappearing in mid air.

"Did you seriously think that was going to work?" God tutted clicking his fingers and Dean was transformed into a skunk. Dean angrily crossed his tiny arms, giving God a tiny death stare, and climbed up onto Cas's shoulders. Spitting profanities nastily.

Cas looked scared, standing as still as possible and not even breathing. His father had turned his secret-not-so-secret-husband into a skunk, and had somehow brainwashed his only biological son into becoming as the humans falsely described him. A perfect saint, and it was horrifying. Gut-churning scary.

"Jesus, please." Judas begged. His deep brown eyes going wide and pleading, as wide as a saucer, and as deep as a bowl.

Jesus stared at the wall, oblivious to everything bar his father's commands.

Judas kneeled onto the floor, grabbing Jesus by the ankles and crying out in loud wails. It was not his most proud moment. The ultimate father nodded and Jesus kicked out, walking away and standing behind his father, as his father mouthed something to Jesus.

"Go away Judas, you're pathetic, pining after me like a stray dog."

"This isn't you speaking." Wailed Judas, he was certain Jesus would have added in homie at the end; or for jizzle; Even a little lol jokes; but this Jesus did not lol joke. This Jesus was the boy who set fire to the neighbourhood cat and cried about it, then apologised afterwards, whilst savouring the meat for later, shoving the cat into his greedy little mouth with glee. He was the type of boy who hoard hearts, and break everyone of them.

"He doesn't deserve you Judas!" declared Sam flipping his hair "He can't even fight for you. He gives you up so easily for his father. I have liked you ever since we had set eyes on this palace of crap, and fell in love with you at step 102. I thought about making sweet sweet love to you at step 103, and roughly fucking you at 105, till you begged for it. At 206, I thought about marrying you, because Sam is not a whore, although he likes to do it. 209, our life together. 210, our beautiful children. 215 our happiness. 305, aging together. 315, a love that could build cities, tear them down again, and create a universe out of the ashes. A perfect life. I love you Judas" Sam announced "You should be with me." Sam kissed the surprised Judas Squarely on the mouth.

An angry sound like a kettle slowly boiling came from Jesus "Get your hands of my boyfriend Sam Winchester! J-zee Christ is the only one in this club who has the rights to that sweet ass."

Jesus pushed aside Sam, and kissed Judas passionately. Judas responded eagerly, and Jesus gave Sam the finger.

Lightening crackled in the air. "How dare you come into **_my_** house, and steal **_my_** son."

"Sonofabitch" Deans said in his high pitched squeaky skunk voice.

"You will all pay for this. Especially **you** _Sam Winchester_."

God raised his glowing fingers above his head, ready to stroke, and suddenly the wall burst down in an array of pink sparkles.

"Hello father." Said Lucifer leading an army of angels and grinning wickedly "I'm only going to ask you once, get your hands off my boy toy."

**_A/N remember to leave a review. It feeds the angels I keep locked in my basement for the purpose of writing terrible fanfic._**


	6. God is a Dick

Chapter 6

"You." God spat out like a bad piece of cheese.

"Us Actually." Said Lucifer cockily. The devil was leading a legion of angels. Among them was Michael and Gabriel, they were riding a Pegasus. Similar to the one they had seen when first entering heaven; Actually the exact one they had seen earlier. And. They. Were. Still. Naked.

"No longer will we stand for your sole (dick)tatorship." Said Lucifer "We are taking back what is rightfully is ours, heaven and everyone in it, shall no longer be under your rule."

The ultimate father crackled with lightening "How dare you."

"Oh I dare father, I dare completely. No more will you tell us what to do. No more will we submit to your cruel punishments and pointless harmful teachings. No more father will we lie without our own free will."

"I would think very carefully about this Lucifer. Remember the last time you rebelled, you did not succeed then, and will not succeed now; and to you my sons, do not let the devil lead you down to the path of sin. His sin and corrupt soul is his to bear alone, do not let his false promises and seductive words lead you astray."

Dean giggled in his high pitched squeaky skunk voice.

"What's so funny?" whispered Sam rigidly afraid.

"They're fighting over a palace of literal shit."

"Dean." said Castiel, "It is much more than that, it represents the powerhouse of heaven, the capital of all angels, the power to command heavens army, and change the rules of punishment."

"Put it how you want Cas it's still a palace of shit."

"Long ago back in 7000bc it was the norm for houses to be built of animal faeces, fashioned into brick, and traded to construct great cities."

"Were in Heaven Cas."

"Says a skunk." Mumbled Sam.

"I may be a skunk but I'm not deaf." Said Dean.

"The devil!" Shouted Gabriel causing Dean to cover his little ears with his tiny paws "He is our brother, and you have done nothing but try to turn us against him."

"I'm just trying to protect you my sons, do you not see the snake within your mists, he may have once been your brother, but his corrupted heart has turned him from us long ago. Do not believe the lies he has told you my sons, he is not like you anymore."

"I'm sorry, but I smell bullshit, and it isn't this palace. All you've ever done is look out for yourself father. You never cared for us unless we were kissing the floor where you stood and washing your feet."

"Gabriel, that is not true, I am your father and I have always had your best interests at heart."

"You my have created me, but you are not my family, I have died more times than possible, I have had my literal heart ripped from my chest, but none of that hurt as much as the day you sent Lucifer to hell, and left us all alone. If you were my father, you could have never done that to us."

"Michael, what do you have to say about this? You have always been the good son, and I would not like for your siblings to turn you astray."

"I stand with Lucifer and Gabriel." He said a stern expression on his face.

"Very well then." He said stretching and clicking his fingers "You shall be punished thusly. Soon you will see I am right, I am always right, you will be begging for me to take you back, I win, I always win."

With a loud bang and an explosion of pink smoke the Winchesters, Judas, Jesus, and the three angels vanished into stinky air.

The ultimate father shed no tears that day. He knew he was justified in his punishment. Those who would not obey, had to suffer, mercy is weakness; like he had drowned the rebellious humans so long ago to teach them a lesson; he would send his sons to hell to strengthen their loyalty. It was all the devils fault he told everyone, and that's how it would be written.

**To be continued….**

**Part 3 will be up soon, stay tuned folks, and remember to leave a review.**


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